Déjame ver tu corazón

What if i really meant it when i said i loved God?
Last night was confusing yet my boggling for me, and even now the urge to just let go is pressing on me. I wish there were words to explain it but my word choice often pales in comparison to how i feel. Something screams life and worship, i don't understand how we as human would even dare say there is no God. Did we start our own heart from the womb and keep it beating to the present? Did i ever make the bird sing beautiful music that some how lifts my spirit? We were made to worship if not God then something. So many of us try to feel the empty parts of our heart, the vast space the consumes our inner being and yet we run as soon as the truth comes. Me i have no strength no capacity to deal with even a quarter of the stuff i deal with without God. My testimony i don't know why i am giving some of it but it is meant for someone: I was raised in the church, my parents devout in their faith and all, they love me and still do of course and never wanted me to live a bad life (what parent does?). I always somewhat felt my salvation was chipped unto them that i didn't REALLY need God for myself just them having it was good enough so i basically faked it and played on and off again Christian...I never really grasped the concept of having a relationship because this world always presses religion and in my mind church every Sunday and some services throughout the week sufficed but my heart was never whole. I finally did get save and i mean truly committed when i was about maybe 12-13 and i recommitted and meant it. I began seeking the holy ghost soon after and wanted to be filled I began and August i didn't get it until October but it was strength and wisdom and time that grew my hunger for God. I was filled by age 13 though, and high school was approaching. I had always had self image problems (I never felt like i was enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, everything enough) And so i tried to make myself into the image the world would accept me for finally for once but it never would happen. I prayed and i would fast and cry and pray some more but try to hide behind a smile. Finally in 9th a girl who i had admired (because of her sense of style) committed suicide and the whiplash was sadness for me and many of her friends who i was close to (didn't know at the time that i was). I remember thinking i wish it were me dead and without realizing depression had become so ingrained in my mind that it felt normal and at home for me. Soon after my friend Maggie passed away after battling a long sickness (During the thanksgiving break in about2004ish) and that devastated me and then another friend of mines died from a heart attack soon after so three deaths all back to back. I began not eating as much and became more and more depressed. Unfortunately, i dealt with it all in the way that was really hard for me to break at all, i resorted to cutting and would do it everyday as much as i could and let the numbness in my heart transfer to the blood i saw come from my arm. I didn't stop cutting until i really tried to and finally broke down and asked God for forgiveness (Almost 2 years straight and still struggled but not as bad). I could go on and on with the testimony like how i tried both anorexia and bulimia but no matter what i did i was never happy never complete. And how i tried to just push God out of my life and turned to other religion either with no avail on empty lies and sad excuses for love. I didn't know what love was for quite some time but of course like many other things i faked it to seem alright but i wasn't at all. God rescued me with the road i was headed on everyday my foot was closer to the grave and my hands reaching for pills to take my last breath in vain from my body. One thing i do know though God had a plan all along. I am never one to claim perfection and though i am not worthy i have forgiveness, the very same God who painted the sky i saw this morning and the stars i see right now is the one that cared enough for a little girl trapped inside of her on depression and fighting the demons she had set in front of her. There are reasons why i am tried of being the wishy washy Christian (Rev.3:15-16) because i know that my God is worthy not for what he did for me alone and delivered me from but for being God and for loving me alone...I want to Quiero seguir siempre el corazón de Dios. Cuando se va es donde quiero ir yo no quiero ir tras los caminos del hombre me dejan solo y triste cada vez que Dios es mi único consuelo y él es mi razón de vida por encima de él no hay no otro ... Quiero seguir a su corazón a Dios.