I am after your heart.....

What does is take to truly be broken for God and God alone? That question permeated through my thoughts endlessly this week with out me even realizing. I admit i have been really stressed or maybe rather stretched beyond my comfort zone. When we pray for God to take us from our comfort do we neglect to realize its not just spiritually but in the natural as well. Mind blowing when i am just now realizing this as i type my blog today. You see i have been praying for God to break me so that i can only (and will only) run to him and depend solely on him. Well little had i been realizing this also accounted for the natural too. With every class demanding different assignments in the same timing it seemed my life was lived at school and even coming home was just more work. I can't complain however because i know this is preparation for the near future. I long for the understanding that God has for me to know and hold true to. It seemed this week i turned to every other source as comfort including to my friends (saved and unsaved). The thing is no one really understood the inward battle i faced daily as i struggled with the blaring voices in my head that offered anything but Jesus the only true answer. Everyone seemed to offer timely criticism and critiques this week that only aggravated me more. My smile was the result of God's grace and mercy and the help of some of his angels he blessed to enter into my life. One thing i know however is that my God makes all things new. He didnt bring me through anything he knew i wasnt strong enough to handle even with him by my side. Have you ever watched a child? It seems the more you tell them not to do something to help them to not feel certain pains the more they want to try it? Like the child and the stove you say no but as soon as you leave they touch it and realize why you had strongly protested against their diligence. See God doesnt say no just for the grins and giggles but to say hey you dont have to deal with the possible consequences of your actions. I can't count how many times even that he has stirred my heart to just spend some time with him but i could think of everything else i needed or wanted to do before bed time. what if i would've spent some time with my father and he would've said let me take your burdens your struggles the pain you feel today ill keep from you tomorrow and as long as you want me to ill take your burdens on me. It's impossible to comprehend with or human intellect but honestly is it really? We were made to worship and be connected to something whether it be God or a false god that we idolize. My heart longs for the heart of a king, for the love of someone who had me in mind before the foundations of the very Earth. I mean imagine it God of the universe said hey in 2009 i want (insert name) so be in this place at this time and do mighty things for my glory and i will bless them beyond all earthly measures. Shocked maybe? To him it is the insurmountable love he has for us...enough so that he is willing to let us touch that hot stove to remember the pain next time curiosity take charge. I heard a beautiful quote today and ill end with this because everyday this week has been a battle of flesh and me me me mentality maybe itll click for you as well:
"Two natures beat within my breast,
The one is foul, the other is blessed.
The one I love, the other I hate;
The one I feed will Dominate."
Which will you feed?

My my what a week! Seems the closer i get to graduation the harder it gets or maybe its just the anticipation from all the homework my teachers have been dishing out. Today was a good day of a pretty sad week (but not fully). I finally got to do something i have been wanting to do since my freshman year (and missed last year for unknown circumstances), i finally gave blood. Maybe that seems small to you but i was just so happy that i had finally done something about my desire and avid outlook towards giving blood. And when i think back it reminds me a lot about what I've been studying this week in my bible. God really has been enforcing Proverbs but this week the focus has been in Psalms...Psalms 119. He has been opening my eyes to the power of reading his word firstly, and also the way i should (as a Christian) go about reading it. I can blame laziness all day long but when it boils right down when i am standing before God one day he won't say "you have some rain checks for your tired and lazy days." Besides my outlook (no more than ever too) has been the fact that when i die then i will get my true rest but for now this is a race. And, ..."The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all." (Ecc. 9:11). Concerning Psalm 119 each scripture speaks new revelation to me and stirs my spirit to yearn for more, My focus in this blog is Psalm 119:2 Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart.When we truely love God we seek him with all we have. The word seek there is to run after diligently go after; in fact from dictionary.com it gives these following meanings: 1. to go in search or quest of,2. to try to find or discover by searching or questioning,etc. All pointing to the central theme that seeking God is not just "oh God i need you (right now in my time of distress) make everything better...please i need money for this that....God i need this" no! It's willingly going to him everyday and making the choice to run after him with everything we have. Not worrying about the hottest guy who seems to just now be noticing us. Or the cute girl who seems to wink your way. Not even for the distractions that seem to always approach right when your ready to have your time alone with God. If what our heart beats for is God and God alone then we must make him top priority. One of my favorite scriptures is found in Revelation 3:15-16;I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth. It keeps the constant reminder in me that God is NOT PLAYING GAMES!!! We either are hot or cold, and what he told me is this: We must make up in our own mind(s) whether to go after him with everything i have or just walk away...Believe it or not time is not getting any shorter its winding up and the Lord WILL return soon...What would you rather be like, the 5 wise virgins or the 5 foolish...in today's lingo: playing around (wishy washy) or truly seeking God in his will,what's your final choice?

Déjame ver tu corazón

What if i really meant it when i said i loved God?
Last night was confusing yet my boggling for me, and even now the urge to just let go is pressing on me. I wish there were words to explain it but my word choice often pales in comparison to how i feel. Something screams life and worship, i don't understand how we as human would even dare say there is no God. Did we start our own heart from the womb and keep it beating to the present? Did i ever make the bird sing beautiful music that some how lifts my spirit? We were made to worship if not God then something. So many of us try to feel the empty parts of our heart, the vast space the consumes our inner being and yet we run as soon as the truth comes. Me i have no strength no capacity to deal with even a quarter of the stuff i deal with without God. My testimony i don't know why i am giving some of it but it is meant for someone: I was raised in the church, my parents devout in their faith and all, they love me and still do of course and never wanted me to live a bad life (what parent does?). I always somewhat felt my salvation was chipped unto them that i didn't REALLY need God for myself just them having it was good enough so i basically faked it and played on and off again Christian...I never really grasped the concept of having a relationship because this world always presses religion and in my mind church every Sunday and some services throughout the week sufficed but my heart was never whole. I finally did get save and i mean truly committed when i was about maybe 12-13 and i recommitted and meant it. I began seeking the holy ghost soon after and wanted to be filled I began and August i didn't get it until October but it was strength and wisdom and time that grew my hunger for God. I was filled by age 13 though, and high school was approaching. I had always had self image problems (I never felt like i was enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, everything enough) And so i tried to make myself into the image the world would accept me for finally for once but it never would happen. I prayed and i would fast and cry and pray some more but try to hide behind a smile. Finally in 9th a girl who i had admired (because of her sense of style) committed suicide and the whiplash was sadness for me and many of her friends who i was close to (didn't know at the time that i was). I remember thinking i wish it were me dead and without realizing depression had become so ingrained in my mind that it felt normal and at home for me. Soon after my friend Maggie passed away after battling a long sickness (During the thanksgiving break in about2004ish) and that devastated me and then another friend of mines died from a heart attack soon after so three deaths all back to back. I began not eating as much and became more and more depressed. Unfortunately, i dealt with it all in the way that was really hard for me to break at all, i resorted to cutting and would do it everyday as much as i could and let the numbness in my heart transfer to the blood i saw come from my arm. I didn't stop cutting until i really tried to and finally broke down and asked God for forgiveness (Almost 2 years straight and still struggled but not as bad). I could go on and on with the testimony like how i tried both anorexia and bulimia but no matter what i did i was never happy never complete. And how i tried to just push God out of my life and turned to other religion either with no avail on empty lies and sad excuses for love. I didn't know what love was for quite some time but of course like many other things i faked it to seem alright but i wasn't at all. God rescued me with the road i was headed on everyday my foot was closer to the grave and my hands reaching for pills to take my last breath in vain from my body. One thing i do know though God had a plan all along. I am never one to claim perfection and though i am not worthy i have forgiveness, the very same God who painted the sky i saw this morning and the stars i see right now is the one that cared enough for a little girl trapped inside of her on depression and fighting the demons she had set in front of her. There are reasons why i am tried of being the wishy washy Christian (Rev.3:15-16) because i know that my God is worthy not for what he did for me alone and delivered me from but for being God and for loving me alone...I want to Quiero seguir siempre el corazón de Dios. Cuando se va es donde quiero ir yo no quiero ir tras los caminos del hombre me dejan solo y triste cada vez que Dios es mi único consuelo y él es mi razón de vida por encima de él no hay no otro ... Quiero seguir a su corazón a Dios.

Where you go...(also from WP)

Can we possibly comprehend the levels God can take us to when we let him? I think not. God has really been stirring my little spirit up and just speaking to me lately, yeah i may be only 17 but honestly as he did with David…he can use me too. I pray that this blog will maybe bless somebody if even just one person, unfortunately i am not sure if i will end up staying with wordpress or switching to just blogspot but i really like wordpress so far even though some of it confuses me. Anyhow going back on topic, i thought i would elaborate on my last blog. Gangs, it’s an issue that is often glamorized but overly ignored (in my own opinion of course) You see we have so many of the rap groups emulating the so called “thugs life” and staying true to the boys but half of them have NO idea what that even means. Gang life is not pretty at all (and no i have never been in one so im not an expert) but honestly i look at their lifestyles and my heart just breaks. So many of them came involved to get revenge for a brother or cousin or family or close friend and once they are in they find no way out though they long to be out. Sadly enough most of them only see two true ways out; death or jail which they believe will end up seeing both before the approximated age of 21 (when most are suspected to die). So many of these young people honestly just long for a true relationship with someone and mostly a fatherly figure (and yes motherly too) when they get hooked up with an O.G. who is like that to them (Original gangster) and because life expectancy is not very long its a rare occasion of one above even 26! Then i look at me and how blinded i make myself to where i see just what i want to see when their lifestyle could have easily been mines. I am not perfect and i never will be but i want to be selfless…i want to not care about what brand of shoes i am wearing and more about the guy or girl who is shooting up on booze and drugs for momentary bliss…i want to give of myself even if i know my life may be ended because of it i want to follow Dios with everything in me and nothing to keep.

Where you go i go what you pray ill pray God and what you say i say….what you say ill say…Jesus only did what he saw you do and he would only say what he heard you speak, he would only move when he felt you leave following your heart following your spirit so how can i expect to walk without you when every move that Jesus made was in surrender how can i expect to go without you when you alone are worthy you are always good…..Lord your always good

-Where you go i go (Brian and Jenn Johnson) “look it up” (amazing song

God bless till next time,

First of Many(From my wordpress but same concept)

Hello World (or at least some of it),

I’ve decided to start a blog on-line here on WordPress…not to be a critic and spill what i think is so screwy with the world but more so to project a solemn opinion and the viewpoint of someone who is really of the least bit important or superior to anyone. I merely consider my self a follower of Christ, seeking to have a relationship with the only person who has fully ever understood me and quite frankly the only one who will. (Trust i barely understand myself). But unto a lengthier note. Today is my first blog of hopefully many many many more to come in the near yet far future! I’m so excited it is my senior year and truly without God and the loving patience of family and near and dear friends i wouldn’t have made it far. Honestly, i knew this day would come but i didn’t know it’d come quite so fast…..if you get my drift jaja (Sorry, Dominican habit picked up bare with me). Today seemed to go by a little quicker and yet smoother than yesterday did but that is history as far as i am concerned. I’ve really got a troubling issue pressing on my heart though ever since Sunday night. You see i watched this show on National Geographic called “LA gang wars” and to much of my own surprise i could only watch through my blurred vision (specially half way through towards the end). Why it troubled me so? I don’t really know but it hasn’t left me at all. I mean i am realizing just how much of a selfish person and egotistical person i truly am at the root of my heart. It seems within our society all we care about in the end is making life good for us when God made it clear that well we are firstly our brothers keeper unlike Cain who didn’t care at all (Gen. 4:9). In a way maybe he was symbolic of the world soon to come, so concerned with who is looking at our $35 dollar bag supposedly passing for a $350 and so worried about getting dirt on our very shoes?!?! (Last i checked they were made for walking…on the ground) See last i checked God had the only real power in his hands and if anyone had a reason to only think of himself it would be him, right? And so (taking pressure off you) i began questioning myself and just boldly seeking God’s heart and finding that i do it a lot without thinking….it brought me to conviction and it’s shameful in my eyes but i feel if one person hears this maybe they too would realize that when you think about life is not at all about us. Loving God and loving people regardless of what we have at the end of the day just remember we came in with nothing and when we die regardless of belief we leave out with nothing. I remember when i was a little bit younger my older brother joking and saying when he died he’d like to be friend in oil so he could just eat himself (factious of course) but truly out of all the dead pharaohs in Egypt laid to rest and all the jewels and money and clothes etc. how many still have all that in there (exception of robbery and decay) all of them do. My heart is still aching from the program and it is more to the story i think of the young guys who get involved with gangs all over the world i mean can we really blame them? It seems we blind ourselves to reality to fit to our own fantasy of a perfect world when it’s not. Am i condoning their activity? Definitely not! But i am saying however that if maybe we all took a little time to actually care about people genuinely and not because of what we get in return then maybe some of it can be prevented…I have more thoughts on the gangs too but ill save it for a later date like maybe the next entry. For now ill let this saturate through your mind….